Jeremah

Is it wrong to not want to do anything.

I mean… Nothing at all.

I had the most ridiculous day at work, that I cannot even comprehend it. My bladder is STILL sore, from having to hold it in whilst I served customers. 6 hours, and no break, because we were three men down and I was selling computers, iPods and TV’s like there is no tomorrow. Still sore. I barely made it, and that is only because I told a customer some lame excuse about having to go down to the dock to find him an iTunes voucher. One second longer, and it would have been Grade 5 maths all over again.

Unattractivly moist.

And I am still sore.

And I am also restless.

I can feel something coming. It’s… a tangible… feeling.

It is not something that I am expecting, (I don’t think).  Certain encounters in my daily life trigger this indescribable feeling of unease, and excitement, and emotion.

Smiling at the new boy in the Virgin store.
Spending the afternoon shopping with Eddie.
Waking up from frenzied dreams of a life in Korea I never had.
Dancing like a demon and having my ear almost bitten off.
Watching the lonely boy in a vest, watching everyone else dance at his formal.
Shedding a tear when the promo for Matt Corby aired on Idol this evening.
Looking at a picture of Jess and Jai.

I don’t even know this Jai fellow. But it’s all the same. And it’s all weird.

Maybe it’s just that time of the month: “…that phase in my man-cycle where my body is most capable of fertilising an egg, and therefore releases chemicals to make me want to reproduce”.

I am pretty sure that’s not it.

I don’t want to let a card talk to me. I told myself that I would allow 3 times a week at the most. Otherwise, it IS a sin.

Anne Bogart talked to me though. She pretty much changed my life, by telling me something that I had already woken up thinking. For something to be extraordinary, for it to make an impact, for it to be significant and meaningful, it should be surprising, yet inevitable.

Surprising, yet, inevitable.

This is somthing that I believe wholeheartedly. Anne was talking of the nessesity of eroticism in art. The need to have some kind of relationship with it. The first phase is where you find that moment. The phase where you have an initial striking aesthetic response. She ties it back to that first moment in a relationship where you go… ‘you know what, THAT is what I want, THAT is amazing, THAT is beautiful’.

OH MY GOD… but… OF COURSE!

She outlines it thus:

1. Something or someone stops you in your tracks.
2. You feel ‘drawn’ to it
3. You sense its energy and power
4. It disorients you
5. You make first contact; it responds
6. You experience extended intercourse
7. You are changed irrevocably

I have gone through all of these stages. I am utterly changed. Fundamentally.

Of course, her description isn’t suitable for an entire relationship. It is at number 7 where you find out whether or not it is sustainable. Weather or not this amazing change will make you desire to stick it out. To let go of other things (for now). To surrender (for now). Not forever. Not necessarily.

Or, you go searching for number 1 again.

I didn’t go searching. Not at all. I was getting ready to embrace and surrender. But that is then. And this is now. NOW I am in a position where the only thing left for me to do is to be stopped. In my tracks.

But who, or what, will it be?